Anyhow, as I ran and watched the miles and time pass by on the treadmill's display, I started to think about my first few attempts at running when I had first decided this was something I wanted to do. The decision at that point had been purely about losing weight. I'd wanted something intense and quick to get the pounds off, and it certainly has served that purpose. But what I didn't anticipate was that running would actually change my life (I told you it would get sappy and reflective). I know that sounds SO incredibly cliche, but I can't think of any other way to say it. It's no longer just about the weight loss for me, but has oddly become part of my life in a way I never thought it would - kinda like a part of my identity now. From the time I was a kid and for as far back as I can remember, I've never had great self-confidence. My parents loved me, spoiled me, and praised me, so it wasn't that. And I got straight A's all the way through grade school, high school, and even college. But no matter how much my parents loved me and how many A's I got in school, I always felt like I wasn't as good as everyone else. I don't really know why or how to explain it, but I've always constantly dis-credited myself and my achievements because I feel like I'm not good enough. It still affects my life today - it's one of my biggest obstacles at work, and even though I am 100% sure my husband loves me more and more every day, there's always a part of me that can't understand why he'd want to. Don't get me wrong, it's not debilitating. It's more of a nagging feeling inside me that always causes me to second-guess everything I am and everything I do.
All that to say that my great epiphany on the treadmill the other day was that running has actually helped me make significant improvements in my self-confidence. For the first time in my life, I actually feel good about myself and what I'm doing. Every time I PR, every time I run a little further, every time I fit into a smaller size pants, or just any time I think back on how far I've come, I am amazed at myself. I am proud of what I've accomplished and can't wait to share it with anyone who will listen. I love to brag about my PR's and how far I can run now. I actually ask my husband to take pictures of me these days, and I show off to him how my old clothes fall off of me. I'm starting to like the way I look and want to show it off. I brag to people about not using butter in my cooking for over 6 months, and I love to have people sample my new healthy cooking when it turns out well. I have never in my life felt so good about myself, and this is the first time that I've actually felt like something I'd done was worth bragging about. My husband has noticed that I'm a happier person in general and has commented that he's noticed the difference in me. I am truly amazed at what my body has shown me it can do and I can't wait to push it farther. Never in a million years did I think I'd be running 3.5 miles on a regular basis - and planning to run 10k someday in the near future. For something that started out as a weight loss goal, it sure has been life-changing. Which I guess is why I haven't stopped even though I've reached my goal weight range at this point. I'm not sure what my ultimate goal is yet for running, but I'm just going to keep pressing on towards my next goal (the 10k). I don't really anticipate ever wanting to run a marathon, but I guess I'll cross that bridge if I ever come to it. For now, I'll stick to being satisfied with seeing my progress along the way and building my own path in life. My journey has been so full of sweat and exhaustion, but I've enjoyed every minute of it. For all you sappy people out there like me, don't be afraid to be proud of yourself - you deserve it. Even if you haven't reached your goal yet - or like me, don't quite know your ultimate goal - be proud of your progress along the way.
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